If I ask anyone if they use shaming and blaming their kids, no one says to me “yes, I do that because I think that’s good parenting”.
But yet, we all do it as parents. And it’s everywhere in the environment: kids books, kids Netflix series, youtube, …. the list is long.
“Hey, you can’t do that!” applies to shame (guilt)
“They were a little bit ashamed” applies to shame
“He was a little bit dumb” applies to shame
“Let it go, let it go, Can’t hold it back anymore” is about shame
“she was in her room because she had been bad”. Blame…
Even occasionally yelling at your kid because they do something ‘wrong’ which in your eyes they are supposed to know, that is shaming.
I’m starting to make myself clear, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
And shaming is at a cost.
It’s costing that our kids become insecure. Have lower self esteem and less confidence. They probably will find it harder to make friends and, interestingly, will probably shame and blame others later.
When you become aware of how deep shaming and blaming is rooted in our culture, you see it everywhere. Just watch movies, youtube films, Netflix films, read books with the kids. Observe others. Observe yourself.
There’s only one way out: Talk about this with your friends, family, parents, kids. It’s not only telling “you don’t need to be ashamed”. Moreover, this is about ending strong judgement and starting with radical empathy, communicating our needs and listening to other peoples (and of course our kids) needs: non-violent communication.
Our kids don’t know shame when they are born, we teach them to be ashamed. We shame them because it’s an easy way to get them to listen. And from there it’s a race to the bottom. Used strong and too often, judgement and shame is even fuel for disorders like depression, anorexia, social anxiety, panic, …
Our kids deserve better, let’s do more about judgement, shame and blame.