Now that we’re homebound, we have no choice but seeing each other more often. And that’s great, but new rules apply. New communication paths are developed.
Before, we had the opportunity not to communicate for the larger part of the day: simply because we didn’t see each other physically.
Now we do. And this new situation needs learning and adaptation, and sometimes we get emotional in the process. (and that’s OK).
People get in arguments all the time. That’s our amygdala doing the work: In short that’s the part of our brain that steers emotion.
Mostly when we are in arguments, we can’t see the other person’s perspective. Because our amygdala (emotion) is firing up so hard, our rational brain has no choice but letting the storm blow out.
We’re in an argument about the planning, about raising the kids, about fixing the light, about coming home late, about the language we use, clothing, hair, stuff… About simple things and about complex things.
The thing is: Arguments aren’t about the thing we’re fighting about.
Nor are they about the mutual relationship.
Arguments are about being seen and heard in our need. One of the deepest rooted needs we have in life.
That’s what most men misunderstand, when they’re solving women’s problems by helping with well-meant solutions. But you need to see the need first, before meeting it!
So take this from me: If you’re in an argument, probably that’s because you have an unmet and probably unseen need, and/or the other person has an unmet and unseen need as well. And remember: Needs are something we ourselves need, not something that we want the other person to do.
“I want you to turn off the lights and shush” isn’t a need. “you” is not part of a need.
“I want to sleep with the lights out at 8” is a need.
The funny thing is this: If you both work together to uncover the unseen and unmet needs, you’ll probably end up happily ever after.
Because here’s a secret: ALL needs can be seen, and any reasonable need can be met.